emopyrogirl

Pissed Like Never Before.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 21:06:38 GMT

I've had absolutley the WORST weekend EVER! It sucked uber ass.

My Saturday Morning:

Well at 7:30 I woke up. I was told friday I had a Saturday School, so up I was. before the crack of dawn. My brother drove me to the Middle School, where Mrs. Whiteman specifically said it was... TWICE that friday. I got there and my brother drove off. The doors of the MS were locked. So I tried every fucking door on that God-forsaken building and NONE of them were unlocked. So I say in the snow crying for about 20 minutes. Then I figured, "eh, fuck this!" And sobbing, I walked to my dad's, got up the steps and the door is locked... Just my luck right? So I banged on the door for about 10 minutes. The dogs were in the house barking, I was yelling and banging on the door. Someone shoulda heard me right? Wrong. Not a single person heard anything. So I kicked the door and screamed, "Fuck you, you dirty mother fuckers!" and sat on the porch crying some more. I was on the porch for about ... say ... 20 minutes or so. Then I thought, "Oh! Maybe the Saturday School is at the HS!" So I walked there. Still crying, or sobbing and hysterically laughing at myself because for once I got up and went to a Saturday School and I couldn't even find it! So I got to the HS and all the doors there are locked. So I sit against those doors sobbing and screaming at myself. I was there for about another 45 minutes. Then decided to walk all the way back to Reka's. Now if you live here around me, Reka's is in the TP behind Family Dollar. So it's a God damn long walk from the HS to Reka's. I get there, FINALLY, cuddle between my brother and Josh Decator to get warm.

My Satuday noon/ after noon:

Well, the damn day only got WORSE. Cause the cops called and told us all that Krista Hertz is charging my brother with Rape. She's been saying shit for a while now. And she's also accusing Reka, Josh, and Reka's mom of smoking pot with her, which none of any of this happened. So basically this saggy titted bitch is ruining my life. And my brother is already a CSC offender, so now he could go to prison for a minimum of 10 years! And he didn't even rape her! She was always saying how she was hot for him and wanted to have sex with him. She's just mad because he won't go back out with her. She even cheated on her bf with him twice!! And she wants to say it's rape when she sat on Reka's couch making out with him, cheating on Chris?! Fuck her! It obviously isn't rape! I just get soo angry when people fuck with my family. And she's done it. And I'm PISSED! And so are all of our friends.

So this basically sums up my AWFUL weekend. Thanks for listening.

~?~ Raine ~?~

Depressing Parent...

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 20:23:49 GMT

sigh Can I never be good enough for her? I mean... I try so damn hard! To be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect worker! And yet, I still never good enough for her! And now she's always standing or laying or sitting there, repeating over and over how she has a restless heart and no one loves her... well what's that say of me? Am I no one to her?! Does she not care that shes everything to me? She's the one who takes care of me when I'm sick, or sad. She's the one that took me in when my dad's wife was beating me. She's the one who told me it was okay to scream "FUCK OFF" when I'm angry. She's the one who wiped my ass when I was a baby, and now I'm nobody?

How can that work for me? How can this happen? I guess I'm just not good enough, and if I'm not good enough now... how will I ever be good enough? I probably won't. Ever. I can never ever live up to her standards. I will never be good enough for her...

~?~ Raine ~?~

Continuous from the last entry posted....

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:16:47 GMT

Well, lately I can't stand myself. The last few nights I've been crying over absolutley nothing, and my cutting is back; full throttle. I can't stop it anymore. My world is spirailing into a big black hole. I guess all the emotion I held in through Bailey and Shadox's deaths is all coming back to haunt me now. Tearing me apart from the inside out. Burning me alive. I don't know if I'll be able to get through this. Sure, M will help me as much as she can, but there are some things that best friends just CAN'T fix, ya know? I know she loves me, just like I know everyone who really knows the REAL me loves me, but I don't know if i can continue to make them happy by living. I feel like just fading away into the near distance and hoping to never ever return. That maybe life will just go on, as I know it will when I'm really gone, and that everyone will eventually forget about me. It's just a never ending circle. Hurting, easing, hurting and easing. And the pain from my abuse ceases to cease. Always returning, falshbacks, nightmares, dreams from the past. The rape is ALWAYS fresh in my mind, and never really leaves my thoughts. What if it happens again? What if he gets drunk again? What if, what if?!?!?!
Maybe because of all of this, I'll never really be able to get along with my life, or at least not normally...
Well, I'm going to go to the movies with my mom, my best friend and her mom, and try to pretend to be happy...
~♥~
Rainebow

Contemplating LIFE in the ... <{(♥general♥)}> sense

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 18:13:15 GMT

So like... life has ALMOST been going okay for me lately. I mean... I've almost gotten somewhat (or maybe as much as I will) over my baby dying. Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse, it did. But now I'm okay. Ya know? Like I feel for once I'm actually... okay. I've had worse happen to me and I lived through that so why can't I live through this? I think about how many people have worse lives, like my cousin. Her dad died and her mom is psycho and she lives with my grandma. She's only 16, shes working 2 jobs, going to school and still somehow manages to have a life on the side. I don't want her life, but sometimes I wish I could have it. I can't sit here and complain about my life...it isn't really all that bad. I have a mom who cares about me and loves me to death, my dad is somewhat there for me and my mom is TOTALLY leaniant about my friends being over and me smoking. I mean sure, yea. I've had it pretty rough, but not as rough as others. Sure, my step-mom beat me for 7 years, I had bleach poisening and Amonia poisening, but it's not THAT bad, ya know? compared to other things it's hella good. But I don't know. I feel like my "inside" life is declining. Like I can't emotionally get any better. The cutting is coming back, the OCD.

Falling In Love

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 20:53:31 GMT

So... I guess I feel like I'm in love... I guess that also might not be a good thing, but I'm taking it in strides considering the person I'm in love with won't talk to me. *sigh* I suppose I'm dealing with it all okay like and stuff, for about as good as it can get. Well all this weekend/week I was hanging out with my friends; Reka, Josh, Autumn, Steffie and my brother Dicq. It was totally awesome. We had tons of fun driving around going to fucking McBurgerdonalds. <--- that's McDonald's and Burger King put together. AWESOMENESS!! lol
Well got to go.
~♥~Raine~♥~

Pensive- BAND THAT ROCKS DICK!!!

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 01:43:29 GMT

Well this is a band that originated in GA, but they are now famous and in CALI. Pensive playes rock, punk and those realted type music. Pensive is one of the awesomest bands EVER !!! I totally ♥ them.. if you've never heard them... and you like this kind of music, check 'em out at

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=4964079

This is their myspace. They're totally awesome. I'm sure someone will fall in love with them and their music!!

♥Raine♥

What Do You Have To Say? - What's Worth Reading

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 02:32:20 GMT

How do you choose which books to read?

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Well, like any abnormal person, I judge a book by it's cover. Then I read the back. If that interests me, I read the first line of the book and the last line. Or sometimes the first and last paragraph. It's toally cool! sty1

What Do You Have To Say? - A Winter Memory

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 22:30:27 GMT

Describe a winter memory using all five senses.

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Well... it was damn cold... the wind wasn't blowing that much anymore... the snow was still falling, but it was over all a beautiful day. I was out with my bestie Emily, we were riding, out first ride of the winter on a count of hunting season and all. I was riding my horse, Buckshot bareback and she was riding my other horse, Ressy. We were pretty far out, on the other side of the onion feild down the road from my house. Well, Buckshot decided that the fresh snow was seemed like a nice place to plant his scrawny, bony, flea bitten ass. So down he goes! That naughty naughty lil horse!!!!! But I'm (not to brag or anything :P) a damn good rider, all I had to do was kick him lightly and he got right back up. It's not all that interesting of a memory, but I don't care... it's a good one. :)
~♥~

Hmm.... just thoughts...

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 22:08:53 GMT

Well, these are basically just all my thoughts. Cause I don't really know what else to write. I'm new at the whole 'live journal' thing, but decided to give it a try and see how it works for me. If you've read my about me, you can tell, my name is Lorraine. Or I also spell it Lorain or Low-Raine. Either way of spelling is cool with me. And the kid i'm babysitting right now is bugging me to get off the computer so he can play games... he's only almost 5 and he's addicted to the computer even more than I am!! And I really ♥ the computer.. I NEVER go anywhere without my laptop!!! It would KILL me!!! lol. Just kidding (really though...) I'm okay without my laptop... and I'm not that socially addicted... plus I really do have a life to attend to... Which takes up most of my time anyways.. like work and all. Plus I'm Sophmore in HS so I have plenty of work set out for me!!!
Well, I'll go for now... kid bugging me and all
Tons of love
~♥~